About the Guest
What kind of boundaries will you help your children set with the opposite sex? Today on the broadcast, Dennis Rainey challenges you and your children to a higher standard.
Dennis RaineyDennis Rainey cofounded FamilyLife®, a ministry of Cru®. Since the organization began in 1976 through 2017, Dennis’ leadership enabled FamilyLife to grow into a dynamic and vital ministry in more than 109 countries around the world helping families discover the joy God intended for their relationships with God, spouse, and kids. Dennis has authored or co-authored more than 35 books, including best-selling Moments Together for Couples and Staying Close and has received two Golden Medallion...more
Dennis Rainey challenges you and your children to a higher standard.
Narrator: Once upon a time in a domain far, far away, a shrewd queen ruled sovereign. The queen loved to be out among her people during times of peace in the kingdom of Ambrose, she would ride on her royal traveling throne. She would wave to children, pronounce good wishes upon her subjects, and she was carried about on the broad shoulders of the six most honorable knights in the kingdom.
Woman: Oooh, look at the abs on that one!
[record scratching sound]
Narrator: Well, during times of war, these six were call upon to fight for the realm. In the Battle of Weeping Glen, Vincent the Brave left this mortal world protecting a peasant widow from a fiery arrow.
Vincent: Does this mean I'm dead?
Narrator: Yes, yes, yes.
Vincent: Oh, goodbye.
Narrator: After a period of mourning, the queen desired to visit among her people again. It was time to choose Vincent's successor.
[crowd cheering, trumpets sounding]
Herald: Citizens of Ambrose, her royal highness, the queen!
[crowd cheers "God save the queen"]
Queen: And may God save you. Knights of Ambrose, I have summoned you here today because I require one of you to serve in my court, to bear me upon my throne and to advise me in matters of state. Sir Arnold?
Sir Arnold: Ja, my qveen?
Queen: Would you like to serve in my court?
Sir Arnold: Oh, ja, your highness, it would please me greatly.
Queen: Very well. I know you to be strong, Sir Arnold. You need only answer this question – if you were carrying my throne around Ambrose Cliff where the path is narrow, how close to the edge would you go?
Sir Arnold: My lady, it is as you say, I am very strong. I could carry within one foot of the cliff.
Queen: I see. Sir Jared?
Sir Jared: My queen, I am your servant.
Queen: What say you? How close to the edge of the cliff would you carry my throne?
Sir Jared: I am as strong as Arnold, but I – I possess perfect balance. I could carry your throne within six inches of the edge.
Sir Arnold: You could not. My queen, my queen, I could carry you within three inches of the edge.
Sir Jared: Could not!
Sir Arnold: Yes, I could!
Sir Jared: Could not!
Sir Arnold: I could!
Sir Jared: You big oaf, you could not!
Queen: Silence! Sir Connor, what would you do?
Sir Connor: Your highness, were I granted the honor of carrying you on my shoulders, I would go nowhere near the edge of Ambrose Cliff. You have kept us safe from our enemies, you have fed your kingdom from your storehouses, you have prayed for our peace. Your life is far too precious. I would never put you in danger.
Queen: Sir Connor the Wise, will you serve in my court?
Sir Connor: It would be my honor.
Narrator: And welcome to FamilyLife Today. Thanks for joining us on the …
Bob: … the Thursday edition of our broadcast.
Dennis: That really was you, wasn't it?
Bob: That was me.
Dennis: I thought you did a good job on that, by the way.
Bob: Thank you very much. Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey. He is also the co-author of the book, "Parenting Today's Adolescent," along with his wife, Barbara. Together, the two of you serve as the tour guides for the Passport to Purity weekend, which is a weekend getaway where a mom or a dad take a son or a daughter away for a weekend to talk with them about the issues they're going to be facing as they head toward adolescence.
We have put together a whole resource kit for parents who want to do that, and one of the issues we raised during that weekend is a question that every teenager asks at some point during his adolescence, and that is how close to the edge of the cliff can I go especially when it comes to kissing and dating and sex.
Dennis: And guess who is going to help the draw the line of how close they get to the cliff if you don't, as a parent? The world, peers – and I'm going to promise you something – I've taught a sixth grade Sunday school class for a number of years, and they all – all 11- and 12-year-olds are much, much smarter than you think they are, and they are going to their friends, they are asking them, even though they know it doesn't make any sense to have friends answering this question instead of parents, they just feel a lot more safety and a lot more comfort in going to their peers rather than mom or dad. That's why you, as a parent, need to schedule one of these weekends away just for the two of you to get away and help answer these questions.
Bob: Session 4 in the Passport to Purity weekend is called "Staying Pure," and after a parent and a child have listened to that radio drama, there is an opportunity to actually place a mark in the journal that shows how close to the edge of the cliff you want to get in relation to a member of the opposite sex and then, at that point, Dennis, you begin to address God's perspective on purity, and you challenge young people to a high standard when it comes to this issue. In fact, let's listen to how you deal with it during the weekend. Here, from the Passport to Purity resource kit, is Dennis Rainey.
[segment from Passport to Purity]
Dennis: Hey, good work. Well, I've got one last assignment for you that I want you to think about. Now what I want you to do is look at that cliff and all those activities, and I want you to answer the question for yourself. Where would you build the fence at the top of the cliff?
Okay, all that work is so hard, but it's so good. What I’m going to do for the rest of this session is, hopefully, cause you to really think through and talk about your boundaries and standards about sex and physical affection prior to marriage. I'm going to talk about what I think about sex and physical affection. You're going to have a chance to talk to your parents about this and find out what they think about it and, importantly, we're even going to look into the Scriptures and find out what God thinks about this all-important issue of life that is facing you as a teenager.
Now, do you remember our core memory verse that we started out this entire series with – Colossians 1:18 – it is so relevant now because Jesus Christ wants to have first place in everything, and that means how you relate to the opposite sex before you get married.
Woman: [singing] He is also head of the body, the church, and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead so that He [unintelligible] and have first place in everything. He is also head of the body, the church, and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He can [unintelligible] have first place in everything, so that He [unintelligible] have first place in everything.
Dennis: Okay, you've heard me talk about my sixth grade Sunday school class. What I want to do is invite you into my class right now. I'm going to seat you right here to the right in the front row, and you're one of about 60 that would have been in my class at that time. And in this particular lesson, you're watching me as I come up front with a paper bag. And you notice that from the paper bag is coming an orange electrical cord that runs all the way to the wall and is plugged in.
And at that point, I stand up in front of the class, and I say, "Okay, young men and women, how many of you believe that I have something dangerous inside this sack, right here?" Hands go up everywhere. I say, "Okay, everybody who held up their hands, stand up." And, at that point, there is always one boy who didn't hold his hand up, one boy who didn't believe me. One boy who just kind of wants to test me. "Nah, I don't think Mr. Rainey's got anything dangerous in that old sack of his. He's just trying to fool us again." I point at that young man, and I say, "Come on up here, young man, the rest of you can sit down."
And I said, "Now, let me just get this straight. You didn't believe me when I said that there was something dangerous in this sack, right?" "Yes, sir." He's beginning to wonder if he's made the right choice now. I said, "You saw that there was an electrical cord coming out of this sack, and you see it plugged into the wall right behind us, and you still chose not to believe me?" "That's right." But you can see the doubt is really beginning to wash over him at this point.
I say, "Okay. I'm going to ask you to stick your hand in the sack as a demonstration of your belief or that you didn't believe me." He goes, "Oh, no, sir, I couldn't do that." "Oh, yes, you could, too, absolutely. I'm going to have you stick your hand in there, because you didn't believe Mr. Rainey when he told you there was something really dangerous in that sack. Come on, give me your hand." And then I whispered to him in his ear, "Son, I want you to put your hand in the sack very slowly because, trust me, there really is something dangerous in the sack."
At this point his eyes begin to dilate slightly. I take his hand and begin to push his hand into the sack. All of a sudden, his hand pulls out of the sack, he pulls away from me, and he's over there to the side – whooohh, whooohh, blowing on his fingers. The whole class is roaring in laughter. I asked him the question now – "Do you believe me when I tell you that there is something dangerous in this sack?" And, all of a sudden, he nods his head, "Yes, sir, Mr. Rainey, yes, sir."
Now, the reason I use that illustration is because I want young people to understand they have a choice about believing God when He says that we shouldn't do certain things. Excuse me? What did you just say? Oh, oh, you want to know what's in the sack? Well, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you at the end of this session, I'll tell you what was in the sack, okay? But I want to tell you something, it really is dangerous.
The point is, when God says something, we need to accept it as being true, and we don't need to question it, even if we've never experienced it. I'm going to promise you something – the young man who stuck his hand in that sack, he trusted me for the rest of the class when I told him when something was dangerous. But you know what? You don't have to experience sex prior to marriage to know that it's wrong. You can learn, you can make up your mind right now to find out what God's perspective is and choose to do what's right.
Point B in your journal – where does God draw the line? What are His boundaries? Point B, where does God draw the line? You know, there's a ton of Scripture around this issue. 2 Timothy 2 says "Flee youthful lusts." 1 Corinthians 16:18 says, "Flee immorality." You remember that verse from previous session – it means to run away from evil, to flee from any form of sexual wrongdoing. 1 Thessalonians, chapter 4, verse 3 says "This is the will of God; that is, your sanctification that you abstain from sexual immorality." It's God's will that you abstain; that is, avoid, that you don't participate in sexual affection prior to marriage.
Let me give you three points about this – number one, you need to trust God and His Word, just like I was promising that boy, there is something dangerous in that sack. You need to trust God when He says to you, "Abstain from sexual immorality." Secondly, God doesn't say no to sex, He says yes to sex according to His design. And when is that design? Well, he wants you to experience this when you're married. Point 3, God wants you to be sexually pure when you enter into marriage. Now, I can hear you asking at this point, "Mr. Rainey, what is sexual purity? What are you talking about here?"
Well, I'm not going to answer it fully right now, but what it means is going nowhere near the edge of the cliff. It means to save the gift, that sexual gift, God has given you until you can give it to another person within the commitments and the covenant relationship of marriage. And let me promise you something, when you do that and when you hold to your standards, you're not going to experience the shame of a mistake, the guilt, the emotional scars that come with wrong choices, and you're going to have a clear conscience. In fact, there's not going to be any chance of a girl getting pregnant.
There are also diseases that you can contract if you're involved in sex outside of marriage, and some of those diseases can even kill you. You know what I'd like to do now? I'd like to open the Bible, and I'd like to look at a very, very romantic book. It's called the Song of Solomon. It talks about sexual purity. In Song of Solomon, chapter 8, verse 4, here we see a young woman urging other young women to protect their sexual purity. Let's listen to the passage.
Woman: [singing] Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you, do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you; daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires, do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires, do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.
[Passport to Purity segment ends]
Bob: You know, I told you that I just recently got away on one of these Passport to Purity weekends with my son, David, and since that time we have found ourselves singing some of those songs that are actually Scripture passages put to music as a part of Passport to Purity designed to help both the mom and the dad and the son and the daughter hide God's Word in your heart around some of the key themes that we talk about during the Passport to Purity weekend.
Again, this is something we have designed for a mom or a dad to do with a son or a daughter. You listen together to some CDs where you talk about some of the tough issues that are ahead as a preteen moves into adolescence. You want to make sure that your son or your daughter is prepared for the issues they are about to face.
You know, we're talking about purity, and I know the question that every young man has on his mind as they get to this point is are you saying you don't think I should kiss a girl until I'm married? And you go on to offer some counsel on this subject a little later on on the CD.
Dennis: And, Bob, you know, parents, I believe, need to understand why we want them to do this. First of all, if you don't tell your children about these issues and help them draw some lines and boundaries before they face the problem or the temptation, then I promise you the world may sweet them away.
Secondly, the traps that they're going to face, well, they're real, and they're very, very dangerous. Third, your son or daughter needs to hear about these issues from you and talk about it with you. Fourth, it will build your relationship with them as never before. It's just a special time to cement your heart to your child's heart and, finally, you'll make a great memory. I mean, it's just a fun time to get away with your son or daughter and be going someplace to have a spiritual objective, a moral objective, to protect them for the long haul over the teenage years.
Bob: In fact, we've got a mom who did this with her daughter on the line with us from Grand Rapids, Michigan – Pam Lanheis [sp]. Hi, Pam.
Dennis: Hi, Pam, this is Dennis.
Pam: Hi, Dennis.
Dennis: You got away with your 11-year-old daughter, right?
Pam: I did.
Dennis: What did she think about it?
Pam: She thought it was awesome.
Dennis: What did she think about the sex talk, because I've got your e-mail here – I've got your e-mail right here in front of me. She used some pretty descriptive terms.
Pam: She did. Her favorite word for the weekend was "disgust-o-rama." She wasn't sure if she really wanted to know all that stuff, even though we had discussed a lot of it before.
Dennis: How about that. Now, why did you get away with your daughter to do this in the first place?
Pam: Well, I just really wanted to set up a tone for us to be able to talk alone together about this kind of thing, and I wanted to set the setting for her teenage years, too.
Dennis: What would you say was the highlight of the entire weekend? You did a lot of things together, there were five different sessions. You gave a gift to your daughter at the end but, for you, what was the highlight?
Pam: I would say the projects just were so special, because after every session there is a project, and that just really cemented what I was trying to teach her, and that's what she remembers, too – the puzzle project the first night was just a neat way for her to really get the picture of what we were doing that weekend.
Bob: And when you went to her and said, "Let's go on a weekend together," was she excited about that?
Pam: Oh, yeah, to spend a weekend with just mom and no little brothers along? She was ecstatic.
Dennis: Oh, really? What did she think of the music. We've got kind of some snappy music to help the young people memorize the verses.
Pam: We still sing those songs once in a while. So, yes, they do stick in your mind.
Bob: Well, we, first of all, want to just applaud you for taking the initiative to do this, because too many parents are kind of letting this slide, and you have rightly recognized how important it is for a mom or a dad to have this kind of interaction with a young person right ahead of the rapids when they head into adolescence.
Pam: It's so important. I wish I could get every one of the people in our school system to do it.
Dennis: Well, I want to add my voice to Bob's just saying how proud I am of you, and I just want you to tell your daughter that I understand when she says that the sex talk was "disgust-o-rama." Hey, Pam, thanks for being with us.
Pam: Thank you.
Dennis: I appreciate you, bye-bye.
Bob: You know, Brenda's reaction is not unique. Any parent who would like to do as Pam has done and take a son or a daughter off on one of these getaway weekends for parents and teens, contact us to get the Passport to Purity resource. Go online at FamilyLife.com, click the red "Go" button in the middle of the screen. That will take you right to a page where you can get more information about Passport to Purity or call us at 1-800-FLTODAY, and we can have this resource sent out to you. Again, the website is FamilyLife.com, click the red "Go" button in the middle of the screen, or call 1-800-FLTODAY and someone on our team can make the arrangements to have this resource sent out to you.
You know what we ought to do? We ought to call back tomorrow and see if we can talk to Brenda, Pam's daughter.
Dennis: Yeah, let's get the rest of the story.
Bob: Find out what she thought of the weekend.
Dennis: "Disgust-o-rama." I love it.
Bob: And if you have gone on one of these Passport to Purity weekends, we'd love to hear from you. Go to our website, FamilyLife.com, and there's a place there where you can send us an e-mail and tell us about your weekend, have your son or daughter share his or her thoughts about the Passport to Purity weekend. We'd love to have the feedback. And when you visit our website, if you're able to help with a donation to the ministry of FamilyLife Today, we would appreciate that as well. So if you're able to make a donation online or if you can call 1-800-FLTODAY to make a donation, we would appreciate it. We are always glad to hear from our listeners.
Well, tomorrow we want to talk about what a lot of young people start thinking about as soon as they hit adolescence, and that is how soon can I go out on a date?
Dennis: And we're going to hear Brenda, the 11-year-old who went with her mom from Grand Rapids, we're going to hear what she thinks about dating tomorrow.
Bob: We'll hear that tomorrow. I hope you can join us for that.
I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. Once again, the creative director for Passport to Purity is Mark Whitlock, our host is Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. Join us back tomorrow for another edition of FamilyLife Today.
FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.
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